Tag relationships

The pit bull chapter

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“[Love] isn’t urgent, it isn’t stressful, it isn’t about pity.
I don’t think that to love someone else you should have to
abandon yourself.”

I’m not sure why, but I’ve read a lot of books written by female comedians. [Proof here, and here.] It started when I joined a “book club” with my friends, that never amounted us meeting or discussing said books… but, I digress. This genre is typically an easy read, it’s entertaining, witty, and tends to address larger issues of how women are treated and perceived in a male-dominated industry. For my birthday last year, a friend got me Whitney Cummings’ book, I’m Fine …and Other Lies. While I am familiar with Whitney Cummings, I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan of her work; I can remember watching a bit of one of her shows or maybe stand-up and thinking she was pretty cool. At any rate, I gave her book a go.

I learned a lot of information about her: from her struggles with codependency, relationship issues, and severe anorexia, to her very personal experiences with different forms of therapy. With each chapter I became more and more surprised with how dysfunctional her life actually was, and how she managed to turn every bit of it into something positive. There was one chapter that really resonated with me: it started out about how she gravitates towards rescuing pit bulls, explaining that they are a misunderstood breed; often a product of poor training or having been taken from their mothers too young. Pit bulls are the most common dog breed found in shelters, and as a result the most frequently euthanized. One day, she came across a year-old blue pit that was only a couple days away from being euthanized and in desperate need of a home. She ended up taking him in and naming him Billy.

Now her game plan wasn’t to keep Billy, as she already had 3 doggos of her own. Her goal was to figure out his triggers, provide some much needed impulse control training, help him heal from the previous abuse he had experienced, and find him a forever home.

Long story short, she got into a… situation with Billy – and through a combination of poor impulse control and razor-sharp teeth – she found herself with half of her ear dangling from her head. [Side note: I highly recommend reading this book to get all the details, because it’s a pretty crazy story.] But the lesson behind this experience is what really stuck with me. Cummings goes on to explain, what she did with Billy is similar to what she does in relationships – getting herself into a bad situation because she underestimated what she was dealing with. All of this stemmed from an innate addiction – to love.

Some examples of how love addiction can manifest in relationships: ignoring red flags and rationalizing unsavory behavior; glorifying a person instead of accepting who they are showing you they are; falling for someone’s potential instead of who they actually are; letting your world get smaller and making the person (or pit bull you’re trying to rescue) become your primary focus.

And here was the kicker…

“I constantly gave points to men for things that should be filed under ‘the least you can do.'”

Let us all take a moment to remember that your significant other does not earn bonus points for things such as (but not limited to): calling you, wanting to spend time with you, not cheating on you, not lying to you, etc. Things that should be considered bare minimum requirements of being in a committed relationship does not warrant praise. Let me repeat: the bare minimum. Does. Not. Warrant. Praise. Let’s hold our significant others to a higher standard and let go of those who don’t live up to that standard. Don’t accept anything less than exactly what you deserve, and especially don’t do so in the name of love.

“It took losing an ear for me to learn to take it slow with people, friends, work relationships, house hunting, hair color decisions, and the animals I bring into my home.” Cummings goes on to remind us to take people at face value instead of projecting our expectations/hopes/dreams onto them. You won’t change someones neurology or value system just by loving them. Love has boundaries, and we shouldn’t lose ourselves for the sake of it. Don’t confuse love with sympathy. And don’t confuse rescuing someone with intimacy.

Thanks for the tip hidden in this gem of a chapter, Whit. < 3

I found a strength I’ve never known

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So, I read this book…

51lXXWe9r

Ironically, I ordered it before my life took an unexpected turn for the worse, but I guess you could say I was anticipating (maybe even preparing for?) it in a way. And truthfully, this book was delivered just in time.

First of all, I highly recommend this read. It won’t change your life in one day, but it will make you start to think about changing your approach to certain situations in life. The most influential themes I took away from it are:

  • We all need to stop framing our reality based on other’s perceptions of us (and any other uncontrollable factors)
  • Weathering the shitstorm is usually a necessity
  • You really don’t know everything (so stop pretending like you do).

As it turns out, you can’t control other people. Chasing perfection and trying to control every diminutive aspect of your life is a recipe for disaster and anxiety. It breeds unwanted stress. You can’t expect to account for every possible outcome in a situation, yet that’s what I’ve found I always try to do. It’s always been the unknown variables that I don’t do well with. But at some point you have to realize, you can’t control the way other people are; you can’t make someone care about you, or even like you for that matter. And you can’t base your worth on any of that shit.

Others will care as much as they want to, and sometimes factors in their own life will affect that. And guess what? Most of the time it will have nothing to do with you. Which brings me to another valuable lesson I found in this book: it’s not always about you.

Last Saturday I woke up to a beautiful morning with no real plans for the day. I went to the gym, hit up the grocery store, and even got my car washed. I needed my next destination to be out in the sun, next to the water, in a bikini and preferably with a drink in my hand. Everyone I texted was either out of town, busy, or just flat out didn’t respond. All I wanted to do was go to the damn beach and no one was available to join me.

If you would have put this situation in front of me last month or even last year, my response would have been to just stay home and contemplate how lame I am, or retreat to my parents house where I could lay out, undisturbed, in their yard. I would sacrifice the idea of going to the beach because I didn’t want to go alone.

Last Saturday, I said “fuck it.”

And guess what? I had a wonderful time. I didn’t need to, nor did I want to, depend on the accompaniment of anyone else as my only reason for going to the beach. This is not a testament to any new-found reclusiveness amidst the breakup, but more so, a new-found independence. Yes, it would have been nice to have a beach buddy. But it was not necessary and everything was still okay. No one was at fault for not being available to join me, and I was still able to enjoy the couple hours of relaxation and solitude.

This book showed me that I’ve been a little too self-centered through the hard times too. Everyone has problems. You have no idea what someone else is going through (you know, back to the whole not being able to know/control everything), and in no way should you assume that all the bad stuff is only happening to you. That is victim mentality and it is toxic as hell.

I was at my cousin’s wedding a couple weekends ago, and took full advantage of the open bar. I was approached by a family member who asked how my relationship was going, and I had a total drunken breakdown. I explained how horribly he ended it; how I never meant anything; how I’m going on 27 years old, and feel so lost and alone; how it feels like the rest of the world has found their forever person and I’m back to square one. She listened intently, with a slight smirk on her face. When I was finished and composed myself, she looked me in the eye, and you know what she told me?

“I am seriously so excited for you and this time in your life.”

Like, what? It didn’t hit me until [sobriety hit me] the next day — how significant those few words actually were. Even in simply reframing the way you view your own misfortune; acknowledging that yeah shit still kind of sucks, and yeah sometimes I still hurt, and some days will be shittier than others, but in the end I will be better for it. I got out of a bad situation. I am ready for this time in my life. Others would honestly kill to be in my situation right now. I’m young, independent, and ready to face whatever this world throws at me. Sometimes we need to weather that shitstorm to come out better and more appreciative of the things we do have.

And that’s why you should probably read this book, then give it to everyone else you know to read too.

Now here is some empowering music from my girl Kesha.

xoxox.

August was never our month

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Sometimes you have to say goodbye to the one person you thought you’d spend forever with.

No matter how much you truly care about someone, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. No matter how hard you fight for someone, sometimes there is nothing more you can do when they look you in the eye and tell you they don’t know if they love you anymore. Sometimes after you give all you have, there’s truly nothing left. Loving someone isn’t always enough.

Humans are often motivated by fear; the fear of the unknown, fear of change, the fear of ending up alone. And that fear can cause us to settle. To resent the very thing we are trying so hard to keep. How many times does the universe have to show you, if you struggle so hard to keep something, it was never really yours to begin with?

“Loss of control is always the source of fear. It is also, however, always the source of change.”
–James Frey

And then there’s the fear of facing the fact that maybe we deserve better.

When my grandma passed away at the age of 84 this past May, my grieving grandpa said something that resonated within me: “Sixty-three years I spent with her, and it still wasn’t enough.” That is the love I want. That is the love I deserve.

In the end, there is only one person you are absolutely guaranteed to spend forever with, and that person is you. So when it comes down to losing someone, we all eventually have to trust that we will make it through. And trust, that in taking care of the person you do have to spend forever with, you will welcome love back into your life.

I won’t let you giving up on me mean that I should give up on myself.

Just because you don’t love me, that doesn’t make me unlovable.

I will repeat these words when the thought of losing you makes me sad. I will repeat these words, over and over again, until they become my only truth.

I am going to be fine. I will get through this. And I will be better for it. I will find somebody out there who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, who showers me with the love you never wanted to show me. And in a few months, when you realize [again] what you lost, this time I won’t be there.

https://www.instagram.com/p/r-JKzfDZ9F/?taken-by=kimbcast

Love and Marriage and Mindy Kaling

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Oh, hey there. Long time no see. Note to self: Never plan your first day at a new job directly following America’s birthday. You will not be ready for it Monday morning after a freakin’ weekend bender in the sun. Ugh. Anyway. ‘Murica.

So when I’m not spending 80% of my day at, learning, or thinking about my new job (which is great, really. I love it. But it’s new and they think I’m some sort of genius so they’re basically letting me dive right in), I’m thinking about weddings.

Ha. Ha. Ha. No, not my wedding. That’s a good one. I’m the Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding at the end of summer, which will mark not only my first time as MOH, but first time in a wedding in general. And even with the most laid back bride in the world, planning various activities and helping out with everything can be a lot of work. Just thinking about the fact that my best friend who I grew up with (who is also five years my senior so shut up) is now ready to tie the knot… I can’t even.

If you happened to stumble across this post from last month, you know I’m in the midst of reading Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). As expected, it’s outstanding. I would compare it to Tina Fey’s Bossypants (which I also happened to write a little bit about here), in that it is a series of short, often hilarious/ridiculous, and surprisingly profound and empowering thoughts from a successful female comedian. I just finished a short essay entitled “Married People Need to Step It Up” that I feel is so important right now, with weddings constantly being on my brain (I’m looking at you, Facebook. Cut that shit out).

Mindy opens the essay explaining that the audience knows a Shakespeare play is a comedy (and not a tragedy) when it ends in a wedding. She argues, “…the actual reason Shakespeare ended them there is because he thought the journey leading up to marriage was more fun to watch than the one that begins after the vows were said.” Isn’t that how it usually goes? How many times have you heard your wedding day will be the greatest day of your life? And that it’s all downhill from there? Well, now we can blame Shakespeare for poisoning our minds with that garbage.

shakespeare

She goes on to talk about the unhappily married people, and how they have to stress marriage is always such hard work and how miserable it is. She says her divorced friends are some of the happiest, most enlightened people she knows after all is said and done. Her mom says, “…when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.” Hindsight is always 20/20 when it comes to breakups and even divorces.

So, you might ask, what is Mindy Kaling’s secret to a great marriage? [You probably weren’t asking that because she’s not married, but you’re about to find out.] As observed through her parents marriage: Just. Be. Pals. That’s it. While it is an overly simplified notion, it’s kind of genius. Marriage is always work, but wouldn’t you rather it be work you enjoy doing?

OK so they're not even a real couple, but I love the Mindy Project so bad.

OK so they’re not even a real couple, but I love the Mindy Project so bad.

“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun. I want to hear about it because I know it’s possible, and because I want it for myself.“