August was never our month

Sometimes you have to say goodbye to the one person you thought you’d spend forever with.

No matter how much you truly care about someone, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. No matter how hard you fight for someone, sometimes there is nothing more you can do when they look you in the eye and tell you they don’t know if they love you anymore. Sometimes after you give all you have, there’s truly nothing left. Loving someone isn’t always enough.

Humans are often motivated by fear; the fear of the unknown, fear of change, the fear of ending up alone. And that fear can cause us to settle. To resent the very thing we are trying so hard to keep. How many times does the universe have to show you, if you struggle so hard to keep something, it was never really yours to begin with?

“Loss of control is always the source of fear. It is also, however, always the source of change.”
–James Frey

And then there’s the fear of facing the fact that maybe we deserve better.

When my grandma passed away at the age of 84 this past May, my grieving grandpa said something that resonated within me: “Sixty-three years I spent with her, and it still wasn’t enough.” That is the love I want. That is the love I deserve.

In the end, there is only one person you are absolutely guaranteed to spend forever with, and that person is you. So when it comes down to losing someone, we all eventually have to trust that we will make it through. And trust, that in taking care of the person you do have to spend forever with, you will welcome love back into your life.

I won’t let you giving up on me mean that I should give up on myself.

Just because you don’t love me, that doesn’t make me unlovable.

I will repeat these words when the thought of losing you makes me sad. I will repeat these words, over and over again, until they become my only truth.

I am going to be fine. I will get through this. And I will be better for it. I will find somebody out there who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, who showers me with the love you never wanted to show me. And in a few months, when you realize [again] what you lost, this time I won’t be there.

Happy birthday, kcincleveland!

It has been officially one year since my first blog post on (!!!!!) Happy birthday to my beautiful creation! What started off as an experimental place to share my thoughts and cope with growing up has turned into so, so much more. And I love it, and I love you for reading it.

I always used writing as an outlet when I was young, and for a long period of time life just got in the way, and I lost that outlet. I felt like I was constantly turning every situation I found myself in into a negative, and that just exacerbated how shitty I felt things were going. I was supposed to be this happy, in love, successful post-grad and, despite how lucky and privileged I knew I’d been, I wasn’t feeling like that. I’ve done a lot of things since then to re-frame the way I approach and reflect on situations, and it’s helped me accept myself and my life for what it is (read: beautiful, awesome, amazing, etc.). My favorite quote from rereading the word document I rambled on over a year ago as motivation to start my blog: “I’m being entitled if I think I’m above car trouble, health and boy issues.”

An exercise I tried before actually starting kcincleveland (which I would recommend everyone do every now and then) was making a bulleted list, and isolating what I really want out of life. Looking back now, I have accomplished a lot of the points I wanted to, but there are also some that I forgot about in the last year. Things like not using my phone as a crutch, not swearing as much (though I don’t know if I can ever help that), and using “I” and “me” less in conversations.

After all the reflecting I’ve done today, and the steps I’ve been taking toward being the person I want to be, I want to share with you a lesson I’m still continuously learning. In a time when you can’t open Facebook without seeing another engagement or baby announcement, you can’t go through life worrying about what other people are doing or what they think about what you’re doing. You can’t compare the behind-the-scenes of your life to someone else’s highlight reel.

That shit you see all over social media and what movies and your TV feed you—that’s not real life. You know what real life is because you live it every day. And so does everyone else, just not in the same way you do. There are tough days and there are amazing days. And half the time you don’t realize how good the really great days actually were until they’re over and done… that’s just how it goes. No one ever said things wouldn’t royally suck sometimes. Learn to adjust your expectations, but don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Most importantly, stop feeling like you have to use someone else’s misfortune as a frame of reference for how fortunate you are. Just stop worrying about what everyone else is doing all together. Do you. And be awesome at it. Cuz no one else can.