kc survives roofie island

I was a little hesitant when the general consensus voted in favor of a bachelorette party in Put-in-Bay, due to the recent horror stories arising last year dubbing it “Roofie Island.” Having never been there before myself, I wasn’t entirely confident I could pull this off without a hitch. But, seeing as it was the closest thing to a getaway we have here around Cleveland, I was ready to make this thing happen.

As the Maid of Honor, my duties ranged not only from getting a final head count for the trip (which, for a destination bachelorette party is way more difficult than I ever imagined), to getting all necessary information to the girls attending in regard to departure times, cost, and actually getting to and from the island and making sure everyone had a good time. One thing I am so glad I did was put together full-proof survival kits for everyone going. Here’s what was in them:

“Team Bride” tank tops

A necessity for any bachelorette party. People need to know why you’re down there celebrating, and what better way than to be decked out in tanks. Obviously, the bride had her own tank that said “Bride” along with a veil and sash (and various penis-related items) to separate her from the crowd, but these were a must. Also a pretty good tool to locate your group.

Medicine

I got mini bottles of ibuprofen that were $0.99 a piece at Target, and gave everyone enough Pepto Bismol chewables for the weekend. It not only helped prevent hangovers but helped cure any morning nausea from our long days of drinking. These were probably the most popular items in the survival kits!

Liquid other than alcohol

Water and Gatorade bottles. Because everyone was so worried about all the liquor they were bringing, no one was paying attention to rule number one… STAY HYDRATED! Especially after a long night of drinking and a long day drinking in the sun.

Protein bars

So our hotel serves a complimentary breakfast…every day except for Saturday. Clearly because it’s the busiest day… but what a kick in the gonads to roll out of bed at 8 am looking forward to a free meal and finding nothing. The protein bars helped stave off the hangry while we sipped stale coffee and started to plan out our day.

Chewing gum

Because sometimes your rank ass breath needs it after a long day and night of binge drinking.

Mini sunscreen

Perfect for our long day at the pool on Saturday, the mini sunscreens came in super handy for the face! Clearly, I didn’t bring mine to the pool and burned the hell out of my nose. It only just now looks half way normal.

Other miscellaneous knick knacks

Cheap sunglasses just in case someone broke or lost a pair, small samples of perfume and makeup and Mardi Gras beads just for the hell of it.

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My voice still isn’t entirely back, and I’m pretty sure multiple people now have pictures of me bonging a beer out of a dick-shaped beer bong, but all in all it was a great weekend.

Protip: Always keep your thumb over the opening of your beer while you’re dancing, honor the buddy system with your girlfriends at all times, and be aware of your surroundings. Then you, too can enjoy a weekend in Put-in-Bay without being roofied!!!!!

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Love and Marriage and Mindy Kaling

Oh, hey there. Long time no see. Note to self: Never plan your first day at a new job directly following America’s birthday. You will not be ready for it Monday morning after a freakin’ weekend bender in the sun. Ugh. Anyway. ‘Murica.

So when I’m not spending 80% of my day at, learning, or thinking about my new job (which is great, really. I love it. But it’s new and they think I’m some sort of genius so they’re basically letting me dive right in), I’m thinking about weddings.

Ha. Ha. Ha. No, not my wedding. That’s a good one. I’m the Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding at the end of summer, which will mark not only my first time as MOH, but first time in a wedding in general. And even with the most laid back bride in the world, planning various activities and helping out with everything can be a lot of work. Just thinking about the fact that my best friend who I grew up with (who is also five years my senior so shut up) is now ready to tie the knot… I can’t even.


If you happened to stumble across this post from last month, you know I’m in the midst of reading Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). As expected, it’s outstanding. I would compare it to Tina Fey’s Bossypants (which I also happened to write a little bit about here), in that it is a series of short, often hilarious/ridiculous, and surprisingly profound and empowering thoughts from a successful female comedian. I just finished a short essay entitled “Married People Need to Step It Up” that I feel is so important right now, with weddings constantly being on my brain (I’m looking at you, Facebook. Cut that shit out).

Mindy opens the essay explaining that the audience knows a Shakespeare play is a comedy (and not a tragedy) when it ends in a wedding. She argues, “…the actual reason Shakespeare ended them there is because he thought the journey leading up to marriage was more fun to watch than the one that begins after the vows were said.” Isn’t that how it usually goes? How many times have you heard your wedding day will be the greatest day of your life? And that it’s all downhill from there? Well, now we can blame Shakespeare for poisoning our minds with that garbage.

shakespeare

She goes on to talk about the unhappily married people, and how they have to stress marriage is always such hard work and how miserable it is. She says her divorced friends are some of the happiest, most enlightened people she knows after all is said and done. Her mom says, “…when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.” Hindsight is always 20/20 when it comes to breakups and even divorces.

So, you might ask, what is Mindy Kaling’s secret to a great marriage? [You probably weren’t asking that because she’s not married, but you’re about to find out.] As observed through her parents marriage: Just. Be. Pals. That’s it. While it is an overly simplified notion, it’s kind of genius. Marriage is always work, but wouldn’t you rather it be work you enjoy doing?

OK so they're not even a real couple, but I love the Mindy Project so bad.

OK so they’re not even a real couple, but I love the Mindy Project so bad.

“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun. I want to hear about it because I know it’s possible, and because I want it for myself.

Wedding Fever

Dating post-college should be viewed the same as your work experience post-college. No matter how much experience you think you had prior to graduating, employers view you as a clean slate the minute you receive that diploma. Just because I was at my current place of employment for two years before graduating, I am still considered to have only a year of experience in my field (and not three, which you’d think I should have) because I have only been working there a year since graduation. That, my friends, is exactly how dating in our generation needs to be viewed.

If you’re dating the same guy you’ve been with all throughout college, post-graduation should be considered the true beginning of your relationship. Besides the insane statistics out there about getting married before the age of 23 (check out the last chart in this report by the Bureau of Labor Statistics if you think I’m blowing smoke up your ass), combined with the already unbelievably high divorce rate in general… I don’t know why anyone would want to rush into marriage so soon anyway.

I see so many girls give their boyfriends ultimatums, because, let’s say, they have been dating for 4+ years and, since both are now college graduates, the next logical step is engagement. Anything else would be a waste of time in these girls’ eyes. And the guys give in, because even though they do not want to get married, they don’t actually want to lose the girl either. Reality check, ladies: no one wins when you present an ultimatum.

But, as the story goes, the hints are dropped, and if the guy doesn’t reciprocate, the ultimatum is given. And he gets the ring, probably plans a really cute way to ask too. It will be an amazing story to tell all of your friends. Then it begins: from that point on it becomes all about the female. It starts with her ring, her engagement party, and then goes to her wedding registry, her bridal shower, her color scheme, her grand plans, her perfect wedding day. All the focus seems to be concentrated on one day, for a commitment that will (hopefully) last a lifetime.

When I was younger, I used to feel really bad for my mom. Her and my dad got married in my grandparent’s house, with a few witnesses and a justice of the peace. She couldn’t get married to him in a church because it was my dad’s second marriage, and back then churches were dicks about things like that. And even though it was my dad’s second marriage, it was my mom’s first… but she never got to have her fairytale wedding. Now I’m starting to realize that may not be such a bad idea after all, when all is said and done. Our generation puts so much emphasis on the engagement and the wedding day rather than the actual marriage– the actual commitment of spending the rest of your life with another person is lost in a sea of flowers, dresses, menus and venues.

Honestly, this is the ultimate Post-Grad Problem.