Top five reasons why Halloween costumes are the actual worst

Happy Halloween!

What a wonderful time of the year… scary movies on every station; parties where everyone gets to dress up like someone they’re not; and it’s perfectly acceptable to scare the shit out of children. At the ripe old age of 25 (in two short weeks), I’ve finally come to the realization that purchasing actual costumes for Halloween is complete and utter bullshit. Why, you ask?

  1. The price of a good costume. You can always tell when someone gets a costume or wig at Walmart versus one of those fancy Halloween stores. If you want to look hot, you’ll have to pay for it.
  2. They’re a one-time wear. So on top of spending all that money to look good, chances are you aren’t going to reuse the costume for a very long time, if not ever.
  3. Does anyone really look good in polyester? ‘Cause that’s what most of those crap costumes are made out of. Itchy, uncomfortable, unflattering, and cheap looking. Halloween should be about having fun and being comfortable in something you wouldn’t normally wear. Not being in something you can’t wait to change out of.
  4. October 31st in Cleveland is cold. Not an ideal time of year to be down with the “sexy” costume of anything. It’s fucking chilly out there, peeps! And more likely than not it’s going to rain on you and all your slutty friends.



  5. Shopping online for clothes is the worst. Shopping online for Halloween costumes are a true nightmare. You really think you’re going to look like the person modeling that thing? Here’s a fun fact: they have binder clips pinching the back of their costumes to make it look more form-fitting in photographs.

My solution this year for my new-found disdain for Halloween costumes: make-up. Whether you’re drawing an animal face on, a zombie, sugar skull, or a skeleton… you can literally wear whatever you want and it still looks like you put in a ton of effort. Look good and feel comfortable! Halloween make-up is not that tricky, it just looks like it is. Just google it, man.


Have fun and be safe, everyone!


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